#4 You feel it. But can you name it?

6 June 2025

We’ve come a long way as a species, but when it comes to understanding our emotions, we’re still basically cavemen with smartphones.

Sure, we’ve sent people to space, built a World Wide Web and AI, and figured out how to get oat milk to froth properly. But we still fumble through everyday life not really knowing what we’re feeling, let alone how to deal with it.

Earlier this year, I started therapy for the first time. In my first session, I literally didn’t know how to describe what was going on in my head – I couldn’t find the words. Learning how to put words to all my thoughts & feelings since then has made a huge difference. It’s like I’d never been taught the emotional alphabet, but all I needed was a bit of practice (and some probing questions. I think this is true for a lot of people (especially men!)

Imagine if we taught kids this stuff. How to name their feelings. How to spot emotional patterns. How to understand what other people might be going through. It sounds basic, but it’s life-changing.

So that’s what we’re talking about today – emotional regulation:

• Why naming your emotions is one of the most powerful things you can do
• Why future generations will look back at us and laugh
• How emotional intelligence is the #1 predictor of success (not IQ)

3 simple shifts to understand your emotions (& not be ruled by them)

If you want to handle your emotions like a grown-up, you don’t need a psychology degree or a decade of meditating in a cave. Just a few mindset shifts – backed by science – can make a huge difference. Let’s break them down…

1- Name it to tame it

If you can’t name what you’re feeling, it owns you. It swirls around under the surface, messing with your mood, your energy, your decisions, and you’re left wondering why you suddenly feel like snapping at a stranger or eating crisps in the dark.

There’s actual neuroscience behind this. Putting words to a feeling – “I’m anxious” or “I feel ashamed” – lowers the intensity. Like turning the volume down on a noisy thought. UCLA researchers found that labelling emotions helps calm the amygdala (that fight-or-flight part of your brain) and lights up the part responsible for self-control.

👉 Step one: build your emotional vocabulary. Most of us are working with about five words (happy, sad, angry, tired, hungry). That’s not enough. Start using tools like a Feelings Wheel to go deeper – “disrespected” hits a lot harder than “angry” while “inadequate” is more useful than “bad.”

2- Stop seeing emotions as the enemy

This is where I think we’ve gone wrong for generations.

We were taught to “calm down,” “man up,” or “stop overreacting.” Emotions were framed as inconvenient. Weak. Uncontrollable. Something to be shut down or managed quietly.

But emotions aren’t bad – they’re data. Your body is trying to tell you something.

Anger often means a boundary’s been crossed. Anxiety can mean something matters to you. Even envy? Sometimes it’s just your brain pointing toward a version of you you’d like to become.

The problem is, we’ve often been socialised – especially as kids – to dismiss emotions as inconvenient or disruptive. Most of us grew up being taught that emotional expression is weakness. But studies increasingly show the opposite: people who can face, label, and process emotions are more resilient, better decision-makers, and less reactive under pressure.

As psychologist Susan David argues, it’s important to remember that emotions are not directives. They don’t need to be obeyed, but they also shouldn’t be ignored. The shift is this: stop asking “How do I get rid of this feeling?” and start asking “What’s this feeling trying to tell me?”

3- EQ > IQ IRL

You’ve probably heard this one before, but it’s true: emotional intelligence is one of the best predictors of success, especially in relationships, leadership, and creative work.

Starting in the 90s with Daniel Goleman (the godfather of emotional intelligence), there have been countless studies showing that people with high EQ are more likely to get promoted, build better teams, and stay calm under pressure. In a more recent survey, emotional intelligence ranked as the #1 thing managers look for when considering someone for a raise or promotion, ahead of technical skills or experience.

Why? Because people with strong EQ don’t crumble every time things go sideways, and they don’t let a bad mood ruin their day.

Emotional regulation is a skill, not a personality trait

We’re not born with EQ. It’s trainable. Which means it’s never too late to build it.

When you start seeing your emotions as messengers, not monsters, everything changes. It gets easier to make good decisions, to build better relationships, and to bounce back from setbacks.

And no, you don’t need to talk about your feelings all day. But having the words for your emotions – and the space to notice them – gives you a huge edge.

👉 I’ve put together a blog post with 5 practical tools that can help you build this skill today – stuff like how to name what you’re feeling, how to track emotional patterns, and how to respond instead of react → LINK

I’d love to know your thoughts about this topic! Just hit Reply to this email and let me know.