#16 Building bridges, not walls
What happens when we stop defending our corner and start listening?
19 September 2025
You know, this week I was planning to write about how to get a good night’s sleep🌛. It’s underrated, key to mental health and happiness, and something a lot of us struggle with. But with everything going on right now, it felt like another topic was more urgent: how to engage with the world around us.
My first instinct was to lay out all my views on the news – as if there’s a shortage of people doing that! – in the hope of showing why I think I’m right and maybe even changing some minds. But it’s probably more useful to dig into how we’ve ended up in this mess, and try to understand the other side a bit better.
As Humanity has globalised, you might expect more unity, but ironically we’ve become hyper-aware of how different we all are. Not just across continents, but in our neighbourhoods, our streets, even our families. Every day we’re confronted with beliefs and behaviours we don’t fully understand, let alone accept.
Our ancient tribal brains read these differences as threats, triggering defensive reactions that only push us further apart. Back in July I wrote about how to diminish the idea of Us vs. Them, with some practical tips on bridging divides (not bad advice in there if I may say so!). But with such extreme views out there, I feel I needed to dig deeper.
I want to understand the other side’s perspective. I’m sure some of my own views are just as unfathomable to others. When we see see differences as threats, our reaction is to retreat, pull up the drawbridge, defend our position.
So the question is: what can we actually do to make things better? How do we undo this fragmentation?
I started looking into books that teach the skill of engaging with people who see the world differently. After some research, I’ve added five promising books to my reading list.
Sadly, I’m not able to read five books in an afternoon, so I took a shortcut and read the summaries 😈 I think they might be useful for you too. Click through, skim a few…
📗 How to Have Impossible Conversations – Peter Boghossian & James Lindsay [Summary]
📒 I Never Thought of It That Way: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times – Mónica Guzmán [5 Key Insights]
📕 High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out – Amanda Ripley [Summary1 + Summary2]
📘 #Republic: Divided Democracy in the Age of Social Media – Cass Sunstein [Summary]
📙 Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know – Adam Grant [Interview1 + Interview2]
And if these summaries are too much – who’s got the time?? – I pulled together an actionable guide (robotically synthesised 🤖) → Building Bridges (Not Walls): A Practical Guide to Engaging With “The Other Side”
From now on I’m trying to approach conversations with people who hold opposite views as an opportunity. A chance to understand them better, and also to sharpen my own thinking on why I believe what I do, beyond just my gut feelings. After all, if you never engage with the other side, you never really have to justify your own opinions… you just get them validated.
Hope the above is helpful in some way. I’ll report back once I’ve read the full books, not just the cheat sheets!
PS. This morning a newsletter from new favourite writer, Oliver Burkeman, landed in my inbox at just the right time. Worth a read if, in the middle of all this mayhem, you’re wondering what to do next: The Imperfectionist: A string of beads
